Confessions of a Not-So-Experienced 21 Year Old

"You are as amazing as you let yourself be. Let me repeat that. You are as amazing as you let yourself be."

~Elizabeth Alraune

 To whoever is reading this, despite our differences in life, I know we have some things in common. We have felt the sting of pain, shame, disappointment…shall I continue? We both know what it feels like to be hurt and go through a storm. Right now, amidst the confusion of life, I’m trying to discover more about myself. I am trying to love myself. Just to be transparent with everyone, I haven’t actually loved or valued myself for quite some time now. My thoughts and self-esteem were at an all-time low. However, this isn’t the Taylor that everyone knows, so I tried my best to hide it. I put pressure on myself to fit a certain image and physique. When things went wrong I blamed it on myself. When a guy would walk away from me I thought it was my fault.  I stopped believing in myself; this is the one thing I never thought would happen.

Since about May of 2010, a different voice began to conquer my mind. It caused me to hate the person I saw in the mirror. It changed the way I spoke of myself and controlled my appetite. This voice suppressed the Taylor that I have always known. Until recently this new persona was second nature to me. About two months ago, my pastor said that we can’t fully love other people until we love ourselves. This message hit me hard. On that day I decided to be a fighter and not remain a victim to the desolation gnawing within me.

This is definitely not where I saw this blog post going. I have no idea why I just said all of that…It very difficult for me to talk about this, but hey- what do I have to lose?

Even though I have only been a graduate for a few weeks, I can feel the pressures of life weighing upon me; the pressure to have a career or be someone that I’m not. I guess I just confessed this issue in my life to encourage someone. I need to love myself every day, no matter what. A friend of mine tells me all the time to “believe in Taylor.” I’m very thankful for her (shout out to Rayna). We are all worth something, and for those of you who have doubted this, its time you started believing too, for yourself.

xx

"Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Speak for yourself. Be yourself. Imitation is suicide."

~Marva Collins

P.S.: I was searching through one of my old journals and found something I guess I wrote a long time ago. Hope it helps someone.

Do what you love, love what you do.

Do something in life that scares you,

And when was reaching for the stars ever a bad thing?

Quitting is too easy.

We have one life to live,

Why ever give up on that?

Remember to always be a helping hand,

A friend, a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes the one crying.

Set a goal that you never think you can reach, and know that when you get there,

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Be inspired and an inspiration to someone.

We all need to be believers, we need to believe for someone one day; encouragers.

Every soul has a name and every life matters.

You are worth something, and number one-

You are worth it to God.  

Day One: Just The Beginning

"Map out your future- but do it in pencil. The road ahead is as long as you make it. Make it worth the trip."

-Bon Jovi

Day One:

This morning I woke up changed: I am now part of the 27% of Americans that have a college degree. It seems as if I was six years old just yesterday thinking that I would never make it this far, but here I am. By going to college I thought I would figure everything out: life, love, joy, happiness. I thought college would organize my life and set me in the right direction. College did so many wonderful things for me; however, here is what I feel like after graduating: 

 

I’ve never been more confused in my life, and I can’t help but laugh. Thoughts about the future continually circulate through my mind, causing me to go crazy. I had a plan when I was 18, and now- I got nothin’. I try my best to avoid answering the question, “Whats next?”

My honest answer: I don’t know.

However, amongst all of this perplexity I find beauty; while I’m lost I have time to find myself. I refuse to be a nameless number in the 27%. Before coming to school I wanted to be an event planner and accountant. Today, I want to be a musician, volunteer, traveler, teacher, leader…. Why be one thing when there are so many more options? I know I’m not the only graduate completely blinded by the “black hole” of a future. I’m not the only one looking for a job while still trying to figure out a career. I’m not the only one searching for answers.

So, this blog is for me and anyone else that is just a little bit lost in life. If I’ve learned one thing, life isn’t a math problem. 2+2 just doesn’t always equal four.

I am Taylor Erin Batch. I’m 21 years old, and I will make a difference in this world. I will not settle for mediocrity. To all the graduates: the world is at our fingertips. Grab hold of it. So what if we write the future in pencil.

xx